


Bad Thoughts

by ScullyLovesQueequeg



Series: Tumblr Shorts [3]
Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Complete, Fox Mulder Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Therapy, Young Fox Mulder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-01
Packaged: 2021-01-16 04:38:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21265199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScullyLovesQueequeg/pseuds/ScullyLovesQueequeg
Summary: Mulder sits in therapy with his doctor, while he's a student at Oxford.





	Bad Thoughts

“I hate my depression,” Fox Mulder says, and the doctor jots this down. _Hates his depression, _he writes. 

This is important.

“I hate that it causes me to do things that I know are harmful to me, like worrying about people who aren’t in my life anymore or seeking attention from people who have made it clear that they don’t value me, my time, or my friendship. I can’t stop talking to my fucking ex. The people who do value me, they fall into a soft murmur while I continue to try and say _look at me, please just look at me! _to people who don’t know or care that I exist. People like my dad,” Mulder elaborates further, gesticulating wildly. The doctor writes this down too. _Maybe hates his father._

That’s important too. Maybe it will explain things later. Maybe it will not.

“I wish I could just stop. I wish I could just be strong enough to say, ‘I’m really tired of being treated this way, it isn’t fair, I’m your child too,’ but every time, I just keep making excuses. I want to believe that I have the worst luck, that I’m overthinking things, but I know I’m not. I know I’m not the one they wanted, the one they care about,” He continues, looking at his hands. The doctor cannot tell what he is thinking. Maybe nothing. He isn’t making sense.

_Not making sense._

That’s **very** important. 

_“_It just keeps happening_._ It just keeps fucking happening,” He says, but now he’s crying. He can’t stop crying. When he does stop crying, he says,

“I don’t understand what I did wrong. I don’t understand why I’m being treated like I don’t matter. Don’t I matter? Why doesn’t she see me? **Why does my mom act like I’m not there**?” 

Mulder is shaking.

“Fox, what keeps happening?” The doctor asks, and Mulder looks up at him, anguished.

“She keeps acting like I don’t exist. But I’m her son. I don’t understand what else I could have done better. **I didn’t mean to let my sister get abducted**.”

The doctor is surprised. That’s the root of his problem; he feels guilty. This makes a little more sense.

“I genuinely want to know why. And if I did something, if it’s me… I’m sorry? I don’t know what I did. I didn’t mean to let my sister get taken.” He reiterates.

_Sister was abducted–by whom? _The doctor writes this down. 

“I feel like a fucking dog, chasing a car after being left in a field to die. What did I do? _Why wasn’t I good enough?_ I can do better, I just want another chance. I keep shouting, _Please don’t leave!_ But the car is already driving and I’m left looking stupid, chasing a car that won’t stop. _Why won’t it stop?_ I just want to get in, too.” Mulder’s head is in his hands. He isn’t talking to the doctor anymore.

_Compares himself to a dog. Wants to be loved? _The doctor closes the book when he’s done writing.

“Well Fox, what do you think then? You’ve told me before that you’re the kind of person that if something doesn’t work, you’ll try something else. Maybe it’s time to try something else. Letting go of people we care about when they’re treating us badly is a hard thing to do. It does sound like you have a support system though. You have friends that do care.”

“I know all that, and… it’s what I _have _to do, what I **need** to do, but… I wish I knew why my parents don’t love me.” Mulder said quietly, bringing his face out of his hands and looking at the doctor.

“I wouldn’t say that they don’t love you, but they’re just dealing with grief in a way that is harmful to you. It’s probably why they’re also divorced.”

“Well, my father beats me, and my mother acts like I’m not there,” Mulder says, the reality of his statement really sinking in. “I don’t deserve that.”

“No one does.”

“So why is it happening to me?”

“That’s not really something I can answer for you, but what I can say is that as long as you keep seeking their approval, you’ll always feel like you did something wrong. And you haven’t. You haven’t done anything wrong. But we can work on alleviating that guilt next time.”

“Thanks, doctor.”

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes, I find it easier to just vent in the form of a story.


End file.
